Forgiveness and Reconciliation Q&A
I want to be real with you – this past week was one fraught with a situation that brought out the worst in me. I was angry, I felt guilty, and ultimately I lost a friend. Both of us felt senses of justification and righteousness, but as I begin to write this, I have no sense of reconciliation with this person. And that got me to thinking about forgiveness and reconciliation.
Then, I heard at church today that one of our Pastors believes 2012 is going to be a year of reconciliation and restored relationships. And that got me into this topic in a much deeper level.
Q: What is forgiveness?
Merriam-Webster dictionary defines this term as “the act of forgiving”, which is to “allow room for error or weakness” or “to give up resentment of or claim to requital for”. In the Christian context, to forgive means to restore a bond of love and communion when there has been a rupture. More specifically, when we sin against God or each other, our relationships are ruptured. Shattered. Harsh but true…….
I have learned over my life, and especially based on the activities of my past week, that when bonds with people are broken for whatever reason, we tend to objectify them and judge them. We stop seeing them as a person – even as the person you’ve loved for a significant period of time – and often start treating them only as an object of our anger and hurt. I did that, and as hard as it is to admit, that is a sinful reaction. I began to categorize the person I was having “the situation” with in terms of their transgression against me and the others involved. And I will attest that when I started to do that, it bred more anger and alienation, which nurtured not forgiveness but instead allowed resentment to take hold of my heart. That admission was staggering for me, because I have known for years that resentment is a cancer that will destroy us if we don’t forgive!
Forgiveness means overlooking the sin or transgression, and restoring a BOND OF LOVE. It does not mean I need to justify the offensive action or accept it as right, nor does it mean I should (or even can) justify my own anger or sinful reaction. Forgiveness means laying aside ALL of our judgments of the other person and our own sinful reactions, and accepting others for WHO THEY ARE, not WHAT THEY’VE DONE (OR NOT DONE).
God’s forgiveness of us and our sins against Him is UNCONDITIONAL and ABSOLUTE. Jesus does not reject us, objectify us, or bear anger or resentment against us. God does not punish us, thanks to Jesus, even when we all can fully admit that we really deserve His most horrible wrath. I am SO RELIEVED that the blood of Jesus created a way for me to be forgiven, giving me full access to the Love of God.
By asking God for forgiveness at the point of accepting Christ, we open ourselves to His love and acceptance, His grace and compassion. So, too, we should naturally, compelled by the Holy Spirit within us, to extend that forgiveness to those around us, even if they don’t deserve it. ESPECIALLY if they don’t deserve it! And remember, you need to forgive yourself when you mess up too!
Q: How do reconciliation and forgiveness compare?
Merriam-Webster defines reconciliation as “the act of reconciling”, which means “restore to friendship or harmony”. Reconciliation assumes forgiveness has already occurred. If we forgive someone, it doesn’t automatically mean you have been reconciled, though I think we as Christians especially need to be open to reconciliation whenever possible. Reconciliation is FORGIVENESS IN ACTION—the actual restoration of the interpersonal bond between two people, in mutual ACCEPTANCE of each other for WHO EACH OTHER IS.
Forgiveness and reconciliation can lead to a stronger bond than previously existed. Each time an offense occurs, we can learn more about the people God has placed in our lives as well as ourselves. This can lead to a deeper knowledge and understanding of each, and thus can also lead to a more AUTHENTIC bond of intimacy. Reconciliation should always be the goal.
Sometimes we feel unable to reconcile—to put forgiveness into action and restore a relationship. If the person has severely abused us or our trust, it may not be wise to reconcile with them. Or perhaps the person is not reachable, or maybe even dead. We can still forgive them, pray for them, and accept them for the person they are — if only at a distance. We need to look at what is in OURSELVES (yes, I said it, it’s really about US, not THEM) that prevents us from reconciling—some fear or expectation of the person involved. But it is crucial to remember that forgiveness is only fulfilled in reconciliation.
An example of God’s forgiveness— and a model for our own—is the parable of the Prodigal Son. Think of the hurt of the father as the young son withdrew into the most selfish kind of rejection and rebellion. The father never stopped loving his son, and was watching and waiting for his return. When the son “came to himself”, or became aware of his own sin, he returned home. Maybe he never even considered that he had hurt his father, which is something I had never really considered before, but makes sense! So, maybe the son, when he returned home, was only thinking of himself and his own needs. Maybe he rehearsed how he would ask his father to receive him and make him an employee as he headed home. But his father didn’t even let him finish his little rehearsed speech, but instead embraced his son and hugged him tightly. He placed the beautiful “robe of righteousness” on his son, put jewelry on his hands, and restored him as his son and heir. He killed the fatted (best) calf, feasting and rejoicing that his son had been restored to him. He neither demanded nor wanted an apology from his son, and even stopped his son from offering any justification or excuse. He didn’t even want his son to denigrate himself! Instead, he forgave his son from the ABUNDANCE OF HIS LOVE, casting away any resentment or bitterness, and accepted him for WHO HE WAS—his beloved son. No changes to who his son way, no retribution, no penalties.
This is how God forgives us! So we must forgive each other this way and seek to be reconciled with each other.
Q: Why is it so hard to forgive those closest to us?
The deeper the bonds of love and intimacy, the sharper the pain of alienation when we are offended or wronged (perceived or otherwise). The more we truly know someone, the more the loss of that person’s love and relationship cuts to the core of who we are. We cannot define ourselves solely as individuals – this is a a lie we tell ourselves as we perpetuate our own egocentrism. Who we are – as Christians, as persons – is a mystery hidden in Christ and within our bonds with each other. Marriages, siblings, even friendships supply the sacred bond of love in our lives. I often think I take great care in protecting these bonds with each of you, to preserve it and nurture it. Yet, this past week has proven to me (not for the first time in my life), that the closer I am to someone, the greater the likelihood that deep offenses with occur (to you or from you). That is because intimacy often creates vulnerability between us, and I for one do not like to have my vulnerability exposed. The only positive offset to this vulnerability is to ALSO nurture love, and that is most perserved and grown in the acts of constant forgiveness and reconciliation. This can only really take hold when we really and truly begin to accept each other for WHO WE ARE, and not who we think we should be. And with this I pray that I can begin to recognize when I project my own expectations on others, and just drop them!
Forgiveness is hard—but for me, it is WAY BETTER than “sticking to my guns”! The sweetness of forgiveness, especially when we reconcile with someone we deeply love, far outweighs the hard work of applying forgiveness and coming to “the ends of ourselves”. Forgiveness is hard – when we’re really honest with ourselves – because it makes us look at OUR selfishness, OUR judgment, OUR expectations, and OURSELVES. It also shatters the illusions and false views we have held for those in our lives, not to mention the offense itself.
And that brought up an entirely deeper level of this contemplation! When we have old wounds, even from childhood, I truly believe we are more likely to project onto others our ideas and expectations, which are even more distorted by our old resentments. This, to be blunt, is delusion! Our old wounds and resentments may be completely unconscious, but I contend can often skew our views hugely. These old wounds may have been caused by an entirely different person. For example, I have projected some issues I have had with my parents onto my spouse, in ways that really have no direct connection. Without much effort of researching this phenomenon, it’s clear that this dynamic is quite normal, not only with newly married couples, but also with employees and bosses, with students and teachers, with parents and our own children — and Christians! When we transfer old unresolved issues onto someone, our idea of that person has very little to do with the person in the current issue, but more to do with “our baggage”. I have been known to dredge up old issues with people that have nothing to do with the issue, and put all my energy that I have invested into the old resentment. This, of course, can and does destroys relationships.
How do you get out of this? What do you do if someone else’s baggage is being used against you? I’m not sure—other than by patience, perseverance, and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. You have to somehow break through the delusion and see who the person really is.
And that got me to thinking – If I am repeatedly irritated by a person that I am close to, it is really NOT their problem, but really MINE. The irritation is MY reaction. The person I am close to is being who they are—and truthfully I must simply accept them with all their character flaws and all. (Though, I find it funny that I think the things that irritate me are character flaws! LOL) I need to remind myself – the people in my life are responsible for their own sins, but I can only control and am only responsible for MY REACTIONS. And I am hoping and praying I get better at reacting IN LOVE.
We have to let go of our resentments of other people, and especially of those closest to us. First, I need to ask myself if I want to be angry, bitter, resentful, and unhappy. Then I have to look at and take responsibility for my own reactions – because convincing myself that “I only did that because you did this or that” is also delusion. And I need to accept that I can only change myself. Then, I need to try to see others in my life for who they really are – with strengths and weaknesses, sins and foibles, and CHOOSE TO LOVE THEM, PERIOD. This is the basis of forgiveness. Then, I need to resolve not to let things (big, small, “important”) get in the way of that love. And finally, I need to know myself – if I admit my own sins and shortcomings, it makes me realize it is more difficult for me to judge anyone else for their sins and failings. That, like it or not, is utter hypocrisy.
Letting go seems hard, but once we do it, we have the most freeing sense of having been liberated from slavery. And there is no slavery in Christ, so I will no longer allow Satan to entrap me by my own actions and reactions. To that end, I am committed to praying, asking the Lord to show me my own issues, and to help me to love and forgive. And after that, I need to begin to be quiet (aka NOT REACT TO THE SITUATION), and let Jesus show me the way. And, He will! Finally, I need to be watchful, so that I don’t allow myself to nurse resentment and bitterness.
Q: What if others show no remore? What if they don’t even admit they’ve done anything wrong? What should I do?
To be really humble, we should ask for forgiveness when someone tells us they’re hurt – even if we really never meant to hurt the person OR if our motivations were not meant to hurt. Or even if you feel it’s lame that they’re offended in the first place! Conversely, when we are offended we need to forgive, even if it’s on our own accord and without them asking to be forgiven. Jesus forgives EVERYONE, even those who don’t acknowledge Him or even the fact that they NEED forgiveness! But even beyond the model of our Lord’s forgiveness, it does nobody any good to hold onto offenses and to remember wrongs. Instead, think how much your life can be blessed and angst removed when the focus changes to how important the relationships you have are to you. And that removes the need to have people ASK for forgiveness, because the ball is no longer in THEIR court, where you have no control anyway, and remains in YOUR court, where the control lies. So I have a decision – nurture resentment, bitterness, unhappiness, or forgive even if no remorse is expressed and nurture relationships and love above all else. Because, the truth is, I cannot force anyone to forgiveness and it’s arrogant for me to think I should be able to when Jesus Himself doesn’t do that…….
Q: I often work through things outwardly; verbally, in email, etc. —yet I often feel awkward or guilty when discussing struggles or issues with another person. What is the right way to talk about a problem with a friend or family member?
I am often intimidated by going directly to the source to discuss issues, because I am afraid to “hurt their feelings”. So, I often go to others to “get their advice”. I have friends that do the same thing, and they truly believe (as I have to admit I do) that this is done “all in love”. But really, we should avoid going to unrelated parties to talk through resentments and bitterness; while they may support my position, they will seldom make me see or take responsibility for my own sin in the breach. And if they DO point out my sin, that may be fertile breading ground for NEW resentment in my life! And really, especially when passionate “righteous anger” is involved, I really am not good at admitting my responsibility for my own reactions among my friends! That’s not to say that if I have a close and trusted confidant, then I can’t talk it through with them. But they need to be impartial, and I need to begin to avoid trying to justify myself or force the confidant to judge the one who offended me.
It seems better to deal with issues directly with the person involved, and I would suggest email is NOT the best venue. Sure, send an email to arrange a face to face meeting, as hard as that is, and then walk in LOVE when discussing the issue. Because, again, when I truly ask myself how important the relationship is, I want to say, “important enough that i don’t want ANYTHING to shatter it!”
Q: How do we cultivate a spirit of forgiveness and reconciliation, so that offenses don’t stick?
We can cultivate a spirit of forgiveness by “never allowing the sun to go down on our anger.” Hey, I can’t take credit for this truth, for God said it and I believe it. If we allow a resentment to take root, it is OUR sin, no matter what the other person has done to us. Hey, I know we are all human, I get that and emotions have a way of getting the best of us, but for me I need to start realizing my responsibility in this area of my life. When I realize I am allowing resentment to take root, I need to stop myself, recognize that I am technically no better than the person that hurt me but for Christ, and forgive. Period. Even to seventy times seven, day in and day out. It’s what I hope for when I screw up with others, and I need to go there first with those in my life as well.
When someone says or does something to offend me, intentionally or unintentionally, I really don’t need to react in any way. I can simply take it in, and respond appropriately………NOT react. And what is “appropriately”? LOVE them. This is the principle of nonreaction. It is based on the realization that our reactions are purely our own responsibility, and not caused by a provocation. The provocations will come, but I can choose to react or not, respond or not. I need to be more like the rocks, which do not react to praise OR offenses!
The more mature I am, spiritually, the greater control I will have over my reactions. In other words, I have to be watchful over my thoughts, and maintain a spirit of LOVE and COMPASSION. When my thoughts accuse others (even when I can declare them justified), and I begin to get upset, then I need to cut off the thoughts and recognize that they are not helpful but instead perpetuate bitterness. These thoughts are more about me than about the other person. The more I let my thoughts against the other fester, the harder it will be to rid myself of them, and resentments will develop. Instead, I need to invest my efforts in the spirits of peace and forgiveness. When I begin to walk with this new attitude, I imagine it will become harder to offend me! And think about it, if I am offended less often (because, after all, I can begin to control that, now can’t I?), there will be less need for forgiveness and reconciliation! I look forward to being so mature in Christ that it would be hard to offend me! I have a long way to go.
Q: When a serious disagreement happens, sometimes it’s hard to be comfortable around that person. When that happens, what should I do?
If I have a serious disagreement, and cannot speak comfortably with someone, then the botton line is the control is in MY hands. I (ME, not THEM) need to humble myself and ask forgiveness for having offended them, NOT avoid them or cut them out of my life. Additionally, I need to stop waiting for THEM to forgive ME. I have to take responsibility for my part, which is all I own anyway. The other person can only control their forgiveness for me, and hopefully it will come. But this I hold to be true, I always need to forgive others when they ask for it. Period. And as stated earlier, really I should seek forgiveness, even internally, whether they ask or not.
Q: Why does unforgiveness continue? What does it do to me if I harbor bitterness? What does it do to the other person? What are the corresponding healing virtues?
This section, if you’re completely honest with yourself, it probably going to hurt. I know I have struggled with this especially in the last few days.
The roots of unforgiveness are PRIDE, VANITY, ARROGANCE, and CONCEIT. If I refuse to forgive someone, it is MY problem. We refuse to forgive because we feel justified in our resentment and bitterness. We cast all the blame and criticism on the other, and blind ourselves to the reality of our own faults. I have done this, and when we allow that to happen, the truth is we live in delusion. To harbor bitterness is unadulterated pride and conceit, and we alienate ourselves from the essence of LOVE, which is really what Jesus has called us to do when He said to LOVE one another. Resentment and bitterness are cancer in the soul, which will destroy us if we do not forgive and become reconciled. Such bitterness is often the root of addictions, which are simply attempts to anesthetize the pain of our own self-condemnation. I torment myself with memories of the wrongs done against me and wallow in self-pity, usually thinking of myself as the “innocent victim”. Usually, that is not reality, though I admit there are some exceptions, such as those who have been abused.
Jesus is the ultimate example of complete forgiveness, of non-reaction, and of authentic humility. He did not attack or curse His captors and tormentors, those who slandered Him, bore false witness against Him, even tortured and crucified Him. “He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.” We have countless examples of Christian martyrs bearing all kinds of torments and sufferings for Christ’s sake, in a spirit of forgiveness, peace, and reconciliation. Many had every right in human terms to react, to stand up for their rights, but they didn’t because LOVE, PEACE, and RECONCILIATION were more important.
When we truly are innocent victims of someone else’s sins, the only thing to do is to FORGIVE THEM. If we harbor resentment, we repeatedly victimize ourselves with the sin of the offender every time we remember their wrong and indulge in our resentment. Forgiveness is the only way to healing.
Sometimes people refuse to receive our forgiveness, or claim we “don’t really mean it”. To refuse forgiveness is PRIDE and CONCEIT, SELF-JUSTIFICATION. How often have you tried to witness to someone, sharing with them the Gospel of Christ, explaining the free gift of grace Jesus offers? If that forgiveness is not received, which unfortunately happens often, we often say the person is too proud to admit they need a savior. It is also the case when those in our lives reject our forgiveness, and it often comes out as their not wanting to believe it is sincere. When that happens, pray. Love. Forgive. Because it is for US that we do it, and it should remain because of Christ.
Additionally, we need to forgive ourselves for our failings, of which I have many. We burn up any love in our life when we refuse to accept forgiveness or forgive ourselves. We cannot accept love when we hate ourselves. I would argue that we can’t love others as Christ loves us if we don’t even accept how amazing His love is! But it is precisely this divine love which will heal us because it exposes our self-hatred. In self-hatred we are too ashamed to accept forgiveness, are closed in on ourselves, fearing that exposure of ourselves to ourselves. And so we act out. But if we can turn, repent, and begin to let the love of Jesus and of others into our hearts, then that love can begin to transform our souls!!!!!! Our very beings!!!!!!!
We can only fight against the spirit of pride, unforgiveness, and selfcondemnation with HUMILITY, LOVE, and COMPASSION. Humility does not mean bowing and scraping. Rather, it is being nakedly honest with ourselves and others. We have to speak the truth in love; but we can only do this in the brutal honesty of humility, seeing our OWN sins and realizing the other is no different from ourselves. We can address offenses, but if there is no love in our speech and attitude – if there is not a moment when I can say “hey, I was not acting in love when I did this” or “I messed up here too” – there is no TRUTH, only FACTS. And facts do not heal, only love and compassion can accomplish that.
Q: What does real reconciliation look like? Why does it feel like it’s easier to see broken relationships than reconciliations?
Real reconciliation means COMPLETE and AUTHENTIC ACCEPTANCE of one another, despite sins, offenses, and transgressions. Let’s face it, sin and offenses are gonna be with us forever. We need to get over it and move on in love and stop expecting perfection from everyone around us while asking for grace in our own faulty journey. We must never allow ourselves to criticize and judge one another, because it is ALWAYS hypocrisy. We only judge others because we see in them our own faults and insecurities mirrored back to us. But if we can live in mature forgiveness with others, in humility accepting one another as Jesus accepts us, then our communities and families will be transparent—revealing the Kingdom of Heaven, filled with divine Grace.
The sad reality of our lives, marriages and friendships, is that we are fallen, broken, and passionate. We justify ourselves in arrogant conceit, and refuse to forgive or to see our own faults. So our communities shatter, marriages break up, and friendships end. Ultimately, this is because we put the gratification of our egos as the main criterion of relationships, rather than the humble and unconditional love of the other that is described in the Gospel. Ouch. Ouch again. So my ego is the focus? Sadly, yes. And it should not be so.
As I ponder this reality in humility, my first thought is that I suck at forgiveness and reconciliation. Maybe you’re saying the same thing. Or maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “none of this applies to me, because I am a very forgiving person.” If that is true, amen! But I challenge you to look at the relationships in your life, assess if there are areas where forgiveness and reconciliation (forgiveness in action) can be applied and manifested in 2012. If so, please ponder these thoughts and perhaps consider taking the steps to moving from bitterness to forgiveness, self to others, arrogance to love. I am beginning this journey yet again in 2012, maybe for the billionth time, so feel the potential overwhelming stress of it. But I believe, to my very core, that where Jesus wants me to be is loving others as He loves me……….
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